I'm amazed at all that is either coming back or is something entirely new.
Returning: energy, interests, clear thinking, desire to do anything, life maintenance, happiness, sense of purpose.
New: reduction in confusion, clarity of mind, calmness, choosing be over do, acceptance, strength.
These are not insignificant shifts. I'd say I've felt generally confused about life since high school, early high school. My scattered brain, stunted w/ stress, wasn't developing well. I was strong and skilled but increasingly lacked confidence.
Suddenly, basic things felt weighty and I felt incompetent to solve those challenges. I began to retreat into confusion and inaction, depended on others, especially boyfriends, to provide me advice. I stopped trusting my abilities. My developing relationship with God was more co-dependent than strengthening.
In some form or another, this went on for the next three decades. The consistent question in my head about almost everything I'm doing regardless of the people, setting or scenario is, "Is this right? What am I doing? Do I want to do this?" The silence and lack of clarity creates even more sorrow. I don't know how many times I've found myself sobbing randomly somewhere, so aware of how broken I have become.
So roughly 18 months ago, I finally started to let up on the pedal, only to discover I had nothing in the tank left. In fact, it was beyond empty. It's scary to realize you've gone to a place of exhaustion that isn't an opt-in package. I couldn't pull out in a weekend of rest. My adrenal glands were in the crapper and I just quit. My body quit and I quit.
It wasn't like my whole worldview collapsed; it already was. I had hashed together a series of values that served me extremely well. I'm grateful for what was there to hold me up all these decades. When you don't have a true identity however, values can only take you so far.
This has contributed to the sense that I don’t inhabit my own life, that I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing even as I keep doing things. It means that I am suspicious a lot and worried I’m being taken advantage of. Sometimes I do things for people and wonder, Am I being taken advantage of? My life regularly feels like a Kimmie Schmidt episode (BUT, one from Season Three where she's getting healthier).
All in all, therapy is working. Things seem to slowly be lining up in my brain for the first time. Some good things I remember are returning. Some things I've never had are showing up. Overall, it's an upward trend on what's been a long, slow down-slope.
Can I hear an AMEN to that...?