Things are slowly changing.
I can tell things are changing, so that’s actually taking my anxiety down considerably.
i finally have this sense that you are on a journey everyday and everyday, hopefully you make some changes. Some days yes - most days yes actually - some days no.
But it really, truly, fantastically can and does happen.
I can see myself changing. I can look back and see actual changes in how I’m living my life, how I’m responding to things, how my body feels.
I know I have an eternity of exploration ahead and I know I won’t be done whenever I transition and pass on. That gives me incredibly comfort and peace to pursue what I can with what I have with each day without panic or ambition in the sense of needing to accomplish a goal.
I feel liberated by all this in that I actually for the first time am feeling in control of my body and my life. I feel like I have agency for the first time in my life.
I can step back and ask myself about the emotions I’m feeling. I don’t have to be controlled by them. i can respond how I need and want to now most days.
The feeling that I have choice and agency is probably my greatest gift right now.
I had an episode today with yet another company that my parents got involved with that has a horrible reputation.
Like I told Jay, it’s like they were drawn to any company that says, basically, “We’re not the other guys. We’re not the banks, the lenders, the regular business service providers. We think all of it is completely corrupt. So we’re going to create this alternative series of businesses that are actually quite corrupt and inept. We’re going scam you and you’ll feel awesome giving us your money. Why? Because together, we’re sticking it to the big guys. Yep! We’re doing this together, sticking it to Big Brother. So thanks for your money and I’m glad you feel that warm feeling in your soul while I take all this money to the bank myself, the real banks, and laugh about it on my private jet with my equally evil and horrible colleagues.”
So yeah, this company manages their IRA, and I’ve had really bad vibes about this whole situation the entire time. There was this shadowy guy from their church that supposedly helped mom with her money. He did help but it was so sketchy. Mom was super vulnerable and never believed in herself, always thought she was stupid. So here come all these people to help her with her money. It makes me sick.
We’ve been able to save enough of her money to keep her safe and well-fed. It’s not ideal but it’s a pretty sweet place that she likes even when there is all the negativity of her husband about it all.
As I talked to them on the phone today, the horrible IRA company, I felt my anger rising. I was able to step back and ask myself why. I realize it’s because of all this corruption and scammy businesses they keep getting tangled up in. It means I have to work around them to protect them from themselves. I have to fight my step-sister who thinks her dad makes great decisions and he doesn’t. It means I have to engage and fight with these companies for the money we are trying to get, however we can.
So for once, I didn’t spew all my anger on everyone at the meeting I stepped into. I just thought about it, identified the emotion and then let it pass. I didn’t need to just be super negative and keep repeating the junk I was exposed to.
We had a dinner here this evening and I didn’t even bring it up. I’m finally realizing the cost of continuing to be negative and just keep the cycle going.
I was more focused on identifying my emotions and not letting my thoughts get control of the emotion and keep a new loop going.
The emotion like I said is this negative engagement with such shady and evil people and organizations. It’s the sense of sadness at how they handled their money and how they let themselves be drawn to such darkness and paranoia and bad businesses. It’s sadness that they couldn’t see the wrong messages that these organizations and groups represent. It’s probably hurt that once again, this affects our whole family. It makes it harder for me to respect them when I am continually exposed to this.
One positive tonight is I realized my father would never have stood for this. He would have balanced out my mom and in his healthier state, he would have handled their money more wisely.
It felt good to know my dad had redeeming qualities and to thank him in my soul for that.
My parents’ hurt and flaws were something they seemed unable to overcome.
I refuse to judge why.
I just know I want to and will continue to do better.
Refusing to spend any more time trying to figure out their lives and motivations doesn’t reflect my drive to be better. It just drags me to the past.
I’m moving on and I’m calmly embracing whatever the day brings with a morning routine to try and align myself with wisdom and truth and love and the divine and God.