I wish I was healthier after all these years.
I’m doing better. I didn’t get activated by the person I met w/ last week who was shocked I no longer identified as an evangelical.
But this week, I have indeed been activated by my family.
As Christmas looms w/ no plan in sight, I have started to get incredibly anxious. TG was sort of a disaster. I want to avoid that from happening again.
I read tonight about being codependent. It’s sad that I am codependent w/ mom and was with dad. It’s not something I chose. It fits some of my least pleasant behaviors and states of being.
One thing I am doing is standing up for myself and making other plans around the holidays and at other times. I’m so weary of this family and of yes, being codependent. Being the good daughter and sister and doing all the right things. It’s saved my mom’s life. I couldn’t have depended on her husband to do what I did and have done.
I guess I need to own that and be proud of that.
That’s the balancing of the 12 steps I guess…. the need for help but not being unworthy.
I just can’t get down about it all. I’ve made progress as fast as I can. I’m human and things seem to block me from continuing further along. I also like being human. I don’t want to confuse doing better and trying to transcend with being better than everyone else. I don’t know; it’s not a concern right now at least ;)
I met w/ an artist today to ask her to help me see my photos and know what to do. It was encouraging. It was the first time I’ve shown someone else my work like that. She thinks it’d be great to do a show.
I hope I can keep working my own programs and keep trying to get better.
“The family situation is bound to improve with the Alanon ideas. Without such spiritual help, our thinking become distorted by trying to force solutions. We become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.” That’s me, trying to force solutions and feeling threatened still by it all.
A friend of mine that’s a therapist said if helicopters are triggering for you, move someplace where there aren’t helicopters. There’s truth in that.
The current situation with my parents is insanely triggering. It has all the elements that got me into this mental mess in the first place.
So I’m bowing out. That’s sort of what we decided about all this house visit or not stuff. Let them decide. I can’t get in the middle and try and resolve things. I’m not healthy enough and I don’t want to. It’s not my skill and I’m way, way too activated. I’d love not to be. I can feel the days when I’m calmer and I’m not activated. I’ve had a lot of those lately actually. This has been a setback. Even Jay has said I’m sick of talking about my mom. We’re all sick of it.
So there you go. Yes, still codependent tendencies but I’ve made progress. I just wish it was over and I was healthier.
I need to continue to ask for help and resent my body.